The crash and burn started at Easter. I’ve griped about it on my progress blog repeatedly and done my best to spare everyone else the tantrums.
To put it simply, my mother both me (quite literally) pounds of chocolate and candy. And I tried so hard to just bake with it and cook with it to use it up, but by the time I got through the first few pounds of marshmallows (rice/cocoa/fruity krispy treats coming out the arse) and after I ground down all the Lindt chocolate into chunks and powder, I had already adopted back my bad habits and rediscovered my insatiable sweet tooth.
After that I started baking more and eating more and it was just this awful downward spiral. I wasn’t working out (no reason behind it. I just wasn’t lifting. I was still running regularly, though.)
I was also majorly stressed out by having two of my female friends needing a place to live, and I let them stay with me. No blame being placed here. They were both stellar to live with… but I felt like I lost my castle. I had no place that was mine. No place I could be alone. I had two roommates and my husband works from home. I had no privacy and no place for myself except for when I ran.
After a while, the stress became overwhelming and I got depressed by the whole scenario. I stopped doing much of anything. I didn’t go out. I didn’t party. I didn’t want to hang out with anyone or be around anybody. It was a pretty shitty few months.
But my house is my own again and I am back in classes. I’m back into the swing of things and feeling confident. It was hard as hell to get back into it. When you know you are less capable than you used to be, it’s easy to feel discouraged, but I also know that I know my stuff (mentally) and that I can easily guide myself back to where I need to be. It’s more difficult some days than others, but I’m refusing to listen to my own excuses.
I think, for me, I need to find mantras and USE them. My new one is “I don’t eat sweets” or “I don’t eat sugary treats.” I just say it every time I’m tempted. It’s turned into “I don’t eat that junk” and I feel good saying it. It’s not a powerless “I can’t have it” it’s an absolutely empowered “I don’t eat it because I don’t want it.” It makes a big difference.
New speed bump will equal a new mantra. I identify my weaknesses and then form a plan of action against it. Like the pancakes from last night. If I can’t trust myself to eat it responsibly… then I just won’t get to have it. I need to relearn control, and I am.